Open Letter to the Jerk Who Drenched Me in Slush the Other Day

Dear Jerk:

I understand that it’s probably a great deal of fun to drive as close to the sidewalk as possible so that you can hit the puddles that have formed right next to the curb and therefore shower pedestrians with freezing cold water and small chunks of ice.  It probably feels good to see someone standing dripping on the pavement, screaming imprecations, while you drive away in your toasty automobile.  Why do pedestrians expect anything different, after all?  They choose to walk instead of driving like sensible human beings.  They want to expose themselves to the elements.  They therefore deserve to end up covered in grimy liquid that can really only be called “water” by an optimist.

Yes, there are bigger problems in the world.  One of them is your car, dear, dear jerk.  Your car is a polluting money pit that is a danger to everyone who encounters it without being enclosed in–in point of fact–another car.  It’s lovely that you are contributing to the destruction of the environment, endangering the lives of cyclists and pedestrians, and ensuring that the contents of puddles are forever spraying gracefully over sidewalks instead of remaining in the puddles themselves.  Thank you ever so much for not driving in your actual lane.  Why would you want to?  The pothole-riddled bit of the road next to the curb offers you a much smoother ride.  If you’re lucky, perhaps you’ll kill a cyclist.

The funny thing was that you were the fourth jerk to splash the sidewalk on the day you got me.  I escaped the first three but thought I saw a window of opportunity once they had passed.  I was wrong.  Thank you for showing me the error of my ways.

It’s much colder now, and there are no longer any puddles for you to drive through, which is sad.  Let us both hope for warmer days so that you may return to your campaign to terrorise those pedestrians who, obviously, so richly deserve it.

Yours sincerely,

One thought on “Open Letter to the Jerk Who Drenched Me in Slush the Other Day

  1. I have come to despise the assumption that using a two-ton machine is the only sensible way to get to the grocery store and back. On the plus side, peak oil will be here sooner or later, and we can enjoy listening to people act like $20 gas is the end of the world.

    Unfortunately, with the current dependence on cars, that might do enough economic damage to actually end civilization. Probably not, but I think it’s possible. Oh, well. At least, as a non-car-driver, I’ll get to feel superior before I starve to death.

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